A journey to healing

In April of 2021, my world as I knew it was knocked off its axis. A direct assault on my soul. I entered a battleground of grief and spiritual warfare that I have never before encountered. Every single day was emotionally exhausting. I was constantly spiritually depleted and emotionally bruised. 

I had hit a low point in my life that I have never been to before! 

My father who had been struggling with Alzheimer’s for years was transitioned into a memory care unit. It is difficult to watch someone you love that was once strong and independent become fragile and weak. Then add to the mix that your loved one doesn’t even remember your name. Alzheimer’s is a debilitating disease to the entire family. 

One week after this transition, my mother was diagnosed with a rare terminal cancer. She went straight from caring for my father, being overwhelmed and exhausted with his care, to fighting for her own life. Only two rounds of chemotherapy and four months later, she passed away. It was fast and furious and not enough time to even process the grief. Cancer caused my mom so much pain and stole so much time away from us. 

One short week later, our family endured a horrific trauma. 

I felt…powerless, vulnerable in every possible way, overwhelmed with the gravity of the evil and injustices of this world, helpless, and an unsurmountable sense of loss.  As a parent, my role is a protector, so with this trauma…I felt like a failure. 

I found myself questioning myself in every capacity…

o How could I have let this happen? 

o I’m not a good parent. 

o I should have done more. 

These lies were constantly swirling in my mind despite me begging God to take my every thought captive. 

My soul was at war.

I found myself at a place that all I could do was pray. Angry prayers. Confusion. Bitterness. Prayers for healing and restoration. Prayers for protection. Desperate pleas.

But then there was silence... 

I didn’t hear from God. I begged and pleaded with him but still didn’t see His hand intervening. I found myself disconnecting and just wanting to be numb from the situation and wanting to fast-forward out of this season of life. I began asking the question we all go to when something happens we cannot readily explain away…..

Why?

What was I supposed to learn from this season of life?

I was really struggling to thrive.

When they say the enemy prowls and looks for someone to devour and destroy, it is absolutely true. I desperately pray for answers, healing, and transformed lives. While evil comes to steal, deceive, corrupt love, tear apart unity, and create chaos, I know God intends to use even evil for His good. 

I am clinging to this truth and trusting God to rebuild our lives with faith and truth, one step at a time.  

Patience…what does that really look like?

• Waiting for a refill after eating spicy wings

• Is it waiting in the Black Friday shopping line for over TWO hours for one item

• The months that seem to never pass between dating and the big question of “Will you marry me?”

• And then of course there is the time leading from the engagement to the wedding...

• Standing over a cold dinner waiting for your husband to get home from work, when he was suppose to be home 30 minutes ago when the dinner was actually hot

• Wondering each month if you will be pregnant, desperately wanting a child after multiple miscarriages

• Potty training (no more needs to be said about that)

• Your child’s tantrum in the middle of the store with everyone looking at you

• Anticipating the phone call from the bank for approval to close on your new home.

• Waiting at a traffic light when the person in front of you is too busy texting to pay attention and you sit through an entire green light without going anywhere.

• Betraying someone and waiting for their forgiveness, waiting for the awkward time together, not knowing what to say or do but anticipating the moment.

• Is it waiting for the phone call from your doctor to tell you the test results to know if your cancer has spread?

Patience: the capacity to endure hardship, difficulty, or inconvenience without complaint. Patience emphasizes calmness, self-control, and the willingness or ability to tolerate delay



All these situations require patience on many different levels. The common thread is how you respond given the circumstance. Are you overcome with worry, anger, bitterness, shame, or guilt? Or are you calm and filled with peace? And what fills you with peace to keep the other emotions from creeping in and taking over? Remember without ceasing your work of faith, labor of love, and patience of hope in our Lord Jesus Christ. (1Thessalonians 1:3) Knowing and accepting the unchanging nature of God provides stability and inner peace. Stress dissipates when you acknowledge your dependence on God and His ultimate control over your life and circumstance. Be anxious for nothing, but everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. (Phil 4:6). It is only through faith in our Lord that you can be filled with peace and ultimate patience.

Do is your best, take care of the possible and leave the impossible to God, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience.
(1 James 1:3-4)