When the Lord wants to get your attention, he will do whatever it takes to do so. In my case, I wasn’t listening very well; he had to shake me to the core. Over the past two years, I have learned a lot about the Lord and my faith. I have learned I am not in control of anything, God is; I can’t make anything happen; God can.
This brings me to my own personal journey. In June of 2005, after many long months of trying to conceive and taking fertility medicine, my husband and I celebrated our 2nd pregnancy. I had bought a special book, called “God gave us two”. When Larry came home that evening, I had set it out for him to read to our daughter. We were both in tears of joy. We did not hesitate to share the news with everyone. But to our disappointment, at 9 weeks gestation, we found that that I was experiencing a miscarriage. It was very devastating. I have known many friends to go through this in the past. Until then, I had no idea how much of a loss they felt. I really wanted to rebel against God, and fall into the “why me” syndrome. I didn’t understand, after months of trying to get pregnant, why would HE take this baby away from me. But, I tried my best to turn to prayer. Once I had my D&C, I felt like it was a fresh start for me. I knew deep in my heart that we would be blessed with another child. During this time, I was thankful to have my family and friends.
As months passed, I would have my moments of sadness. I was just filled with the desire to have another child. I prayed to God to give us this child. I was inspired by the following verse, Mark 11:24 Therefore I say unto you, All things whatsoever ye pray and ask for, believe that ye receive them, and ye shall have them.
In December 2006, I prayed that God would allow me to be pregnant once again. I thought, what a wonderful Christmas gift this would be! I felt it in my heart that it would happen that month. I called Kristi Givens (a dear friend in our adult bible fellowship class) and told her how I felt, she prayed with me on the phone. We both cried. I was filled with hope and faith in the Lord and his will. On Christmas Eve, I took a pregnancy test. It was negative. I did not believe it, so I took another test the next day. When I got another negative test, I was so disappointed, I didn’t know why I could have felt so strongly if it was not true. Several days later even though I was having a “cycle”, I still had a feeling that I was pregnant. I took several more tests and finally got one to confirm it! I was thrilled. I went to the doctor and found out that the pregnancy was in my fallopian tube. This was the reason I had so many negative tests.
I wrote a poem that reflects my feelings at the time…
I had high hopes of sharing news with all our family and friends.
But the dream of a 2nd child is coming to an end.
I still have faith, I still have hope, and I won’t give up yet.
But month after month of disappointment, it is hard not to fret
I am glad to have such a strong support of love
And, I will continue to pray for comfort and answers from the heavens above.
In the following months, I don’t even know how to describe the opportunities that I had to use these experiences to share my faith with others. When anyone would inquire about how I was doing, it was hard to just say, “fine”. I found that I could not answer this question without explaining, that there was only one reason that I found comfort and peace, and it was God and God alone. I have never been able to speak freely and witness to others around me, but I found myself doing just that! I was amazed at some of the encounters that I had with people that I would have never shared my faith with. Larry and I had been dedicating more time to devotions, but we became even more dedicated to studying the word and praying together.
In March 2006, we prayed together until we both cried. At this time, we realized that the journey of our attempting to conceive really had nothing to do with us having another child; it had to do with God’s plan for us. We had gotten so caught up in what we wanted for us that we were not even aware that we weren’t praying for God’s plan for us. We prayed that evening for God to guide us, whether we should continue to try to conceive, if we should or should not continue the fertility medicine, what the next step would be for us. We gave it up completely to Him. After that night, we did not pursue any further fertility medicine. One month later, we found out that we were pregnant. We truly felt that this was God’s answer.
On April 23, 2006, Larry was out of town on business. My friend, Sara had stayed the night at my house because we were going to take the kids to Dollywood the next morning. Unfortunately that night, I started to cramp and then I started to bleed. I began to hysterically weep. I knew that this was the beginning of bad news. There was only one reason that Sara had stayed that night, and it was to comfort me at this time, a true God send.
I did not want to give up on my faith. The whole night, I read the bible. I kept repeating to myself Matthew 17:20 “I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you”.
The next day, I had pretty severe pain, almost enough to make me go to the ER. I fought the urge to go to the hospital because I did not want to hear confirmation that something was wrong. On Monday morning, I went to the doctor. They confirmed that I had another tubal on the right side. This was not only bad news, it was horrible news. It meant that I had so much scar tissue on the right side that it would be necessary for me to have my right tube removed. My doctor gave me a chemotherapy medicine to rid my body of the tubal pregnancy, so I would have time to think about the surgery. Unfortunately, the medicine did not work. Since I was at risk of having my tube rupture, which is quite dangerous, they took me that week to have my right tube removed. This surgery was difficult emotionally because we didn’t even know if my left tube was functional. I went from tearful outbursts to just going to my knees in prayer. The surgery was fine and the good news was, the left tube was completely functional! This news was a blessing.
I found this verse to be very helpful, Proverbs 3: 5-6 “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, Lean not on your own understanding.” The same day as my surgery, I wrote in my journal, “I don’t know what God’s plan is for us, but I do know my faith and strength have been lifted.” I know that none of this was a mistake, as much as it has hurt, all of this has happened for a reason.
Now, It is so apparent to me why…. If I can use the trails in my life to bring one person closer to God- it is ALL worth it.
Hebrews 11:1 and 6 "Faith is being sure of what you hope for and certain of what you do not see", "without faith it is impossible to please God"
Our faith is stronger than ever. We want to shout the glory to God.... we are PREGNANT!!